I spend lots of time talking to people about self-imposed limitations that prevent people from making their way in the world. We convince ourselves that we’re not good enough or smart enough or pretty enough or qualified enough. But imagine being born with a physical limitation that really distorts your self-image.
Stephanie Corrigan may have some insights on whether it’s just as limiting to be born with something as it is to convince ourselves of something that might not be true. She was born with syndactyly, which is when your fingers or toes are webbed together. She had surgery to separate her fingers when she was one, but her left hand is much smaller than her right, and she can’t bend most of her fingers. Luckily her thumb wasn’t affected so she can grip things, but she can’t fit into a baseball glove or play the clarinet. She doesn’t consider herself having a disability, but rather a deformity.
You would think that something like this would affect her negatively when she was a kid, but we all know that kids really don’t care about stuff like that. They’re so honest and upfront and think nothing of asking “what’s wrong with your hand?” Although she did struggle to accept her condition, it wasn’t until her teenage years that Stephanie’s self-image took a huge blow. Thanks to hormones and pretty much living inside ‘the teenage bubble’, she became convinced that she wasn’t dateable. It added to an already difficult time when kids are worried about how they look. She points out that teenagers are often told that their acne will go away, that they’ll outgrow this awkward physical period, but her hand would never get better. So that was what separated her condition from the normal physical hang-ups that plague every teenager.
An interesting distinction Stephanie makes is that she never wondered whether or not she deserved love. Her thought was always, “Could someone ever love me given this deformity?” She had to accept it, but would about men? Would they accept it?
She didn’t have a boyfriend in high school, nor did she attend the junior prom or the senior ball. She took these as evidence that because of her hand, no one would ever like her. When she was 21, things changed thanks to an experience she had while spending a semester as a student teacher. She was cool and the kids loved her, and it just so happened that one of the sixth graders had the same condition as her. He was the first person she’d ever met that had a hand like hers, and for sure she was the first that he’d ever met. She became a role model for him and educated the kids about her hand; she got to be the person they could ask all the questions to when they knew they couldn’t ask him. She felt empowered and it relieved part of the self-doubt surrounding her condition.
It wasn’t until her thirties that Stephanie was comfortable with the fact that she had a small hand. She no longer felt that it was a factor in people not being attracted to her. She currently dates and no longer thinks it’s an issue at all. She thinks about it sometimes, but it’s very rare that she wonders if people would be turned off by it. That’s a very new experience for her, just in the past year or so, and is certainly freeing.
I’m a big proponent of aging, mostly because all the stupid things we spend so much energy on when we’re young tend to fall away as we get older. We just don’t care anymore about what we’ve identified as our faults, and we start to understand that we’re the ones that got so hung up on them, not anyone else. Stephanie agrees and just in the past couple years she has become much more confident and much less concerned about people not liking her because of her hand. She points to two times in her life when her self confidence skyrocketed. One was when she was 23 and moved to London for work. The other was this past year when she moved to Chicago. Both times she had to move to a big city and make her own way without knowing many people.
She recommends we get out of the small community we’re from and expand our worlds. There’s something about going somewhere that you’re not familiar with and figuring things out on your own that really develops your confidence and forces you to interact with new people and make new friends. All too often, we keep our perceived faults close to us and we stay well inside our comfort zones, which can become torturous. She’s had two huge experiences with the scary journey outside of her comfortable community, and both times it has increased her self-confidence by leaps and bounds.
One of the questions I had for Stephanie was whether she would rather someone ask her about her hand when they notice it. She recounted those awkward experiences where people notice her hand and sneak in looks when she was talking. She used to ignore it but now she confronts it. I know several people who have obvious physical abnormalities but I’ve never asked them about it and now after knowing them for awhile, it seems a bit embarrassing to ask. I don’t have a problem asking in the first place, but I’m sometimes uncertain of how to ask. Stephanie definitely prefers people asking immediately rather than pretending they don’t notice. She suggested not defining the condition for the other person; so I wouldn’t ask her about her “deformity” but rather say something like “I noticed that one hand was smaller than the other…what happened?” I think this can be true for anyone who has something noticeable about them when we first meet them. It’s probably better to address it and give the person a chance to tell their story about it, rather than ignoring it and pretending not to notice.
Stephanie’s story brings to light that we’re all the same in that we all have our own issues with our bodies and we have our own boundaries for what we can and can’t accomplish. She’s done the Tough Mudder race twice, which is really impressive even without her condition! It’s physically demanding and you certainly can’t do it without the use of both hands. Being able to get through that obstacle course and overcome her own limitation was something she’s very proud of. And the takeaway lesson is to put yourself in situations where the boundaries you’ve created can be pushed. Allow yourself the chance to overcome those limitations, rather than hiding from anything that seems too challenging.
Stephanie Corrig
an is a 33 year-old woman who believes in making the most of life. She currently lives in Chicago, IL, which is her seventh city in 12 years. She works in non-profit marketing for an association in Chicago, and volunteers with a local animal shelter. Stephanie was born with a birth defect called, syndactyly, where the fingers on her left hand were webbed together. She had surgery to correct this as a young child, but as a result, the fingers on her left hand are much smaller than normally formed fingers. Due to this condition she understands how a deformity or disability can impact one’s body image and esteem and how this can change dramatically from childhood through adulthood.
I’m a sucker for inspiring stories about people who overcome limitations (often self-imposed) and witness some amazing things as a result. I’m hoping to have many conversations with people who’ve stretched outside their comfort zones and will present them here so that they may inspire others.
If you or anyone you know has a personal story about the magic that happens after stepping outside a comfort zone, I’d love to have a conversation about it. Email me: dawn@dawngreaney.com
