People who are grappling with their lifetime of dysfunctions can get super sensitive as it’s coming up, and it seems like their loved ones take the brunt of it. They’re doing the right thing by not stuffing it down, which is always tempting, but as they continue to navigate themselves through those sometimes painful issues, they can be unbearable to be around. They can’t help it when some of the ugliness seeps out, but how should the people close to them deal with that hurtful crap without abandoning them?
One thing is to let them have the space to figure out their stuff. Make it known that you support them, are there for them and are willing to talk about it whenever they need to. But after that, leave them alone. Don’t pressure them to talk. Don’t get mad at them for not letting you into the process. I think the common temptation is to make them feel guilty for not paying more attention to you and taking their crap too personally. But don’t give them a reason to stuff it back down because the sooner they get the pain out of them, the better your relationship will be. This gets even more difficult when you find yourself walking on eggshells. Keep in mind that whatever triggers this person’s negative emotions is almost never related to the actual issue they’re dealing with. Anything you do might be a convenient excuse for that person to show anger that is really just relief from the pressure of having to contend with their deep-seeded issues. It still sucks though if you’re the one taking the brunt of their emotions, even if you aren’t taking it personally.
Most likely the stuff that comes up for that person is like a big messy ball o’ shit that has a little bit of everything attached to it. Like when your peanut butter ball falls to the floor and rolls in the dust while down there. It’s everything that person has ever stuffed down throughout their history, and it just gets bigger and bigger and harder to repress. So when it erupts, it all comes up and it’s impossible to separate the current issue from all the other dust that was collected in a lifetime. And when this lil’ ball gets so big and complicated and uncomfortable, the trigger that sets the person off will be anything that breaks the camel’s back. Could be you just sitting there, changing the tv channel or telling them the other shirt looks better with those pants. It doesn’t mean that that their dusty balls have any of those specific irritations attached to them, it just means that a specific thing was what unleashed them. And that’s why it’s so important to get those stuffed balls o’ shit out of us, because something really stupid is going to unhinge it and the poor sucker who’s standing in front of us will take the brunt of the corroded and stinky fallout.
